I can't believe it's been 9 months. I haven't written here since the start of summer. I did draft a post and have gone back to it since, a few times, to reread or update and edit. It's a difficult post that I haven't finished, but I do want to publish it soon.
It's about Josh's accident, the investigation and my faith walk through childloss. I still don't know how it is that I am here right now...
I am still breathing and I am still living. There was a time on this journey when I didn't think or believed I could or wanted to.
My attempt tonight is simple. I will just write. Say what I want to say. Just as it is. To be raw. Vulnerable. Unpolished.
Me.
This journey has been messy. Grief is messy. Complicated. Complex. "A tangled web of emotions," I read this description recently and I agree grief is just like this. But grief is also at its core... love. LOVE.
We grieve and mourn, because we love. So to feel the pain. To feel the emotions. The sorrow... is to continue to love. Our loss is unchanging yet ever-changing. How so?
Well... its unchanging because we can't turn back the clock and bring our loved ones back. But it's ever-changing because whether we like it or not, accept it or not, our world is actively changing. Who we are as a result of our loss... is changing. The future we had hoped for now gone and also is changing. Our relationships are changing. Perhaps even our status and roles have changed. To suffer loss we cannot escape the change that's occurring. It will happen without approval. And is happening.
Who I am right now is not the same person I was the day before the accident... the Marcy of February 3rd was drastically changed on February 4th and sealed the moment he breathed his last... on February 5th.
This change I have been experiencing ongoing ever since. It's very active. And I have learned to embrace it and not go against it. Doesn't mean I don't struggle through it. Believe me I do. But I am witnessing such incredible growth in my life as a result of the acceptance.
Death... my son's death... will always be with me. The grief is now an important part of me, my life. But it's not my identity or how I will choose to define myself.
I am learning each day about who I am and who I am becoming.
There's a freedom I discovered since having his life, Josh's, cut short so suddenly and traumatically. I thought I understood living life for each and every single day. But now... I REALLY understand.
If you are reading this... then right now is what you have that is certain. And I urge all my readers to consider how you choose to use these moments in your life... the time that is guaranteed...
...only is the present. The NOW.
Please live it. Be present. Feel the life inside you. And love the lives around you. Be the best version of yourself whether you find yourself in the good or the bad... somehow even the imperfect is perfect. Still because it means...you are here.
Still living.
Live your life on purpose.
Live.
Image: Photo taken by Marcy B. LIVE Wristband; Joshua B.; April 2022
Background on the Wristband.
I was in Josh's room with his youngest brother Gabe sitting on his bed. I was sorting slowly through his belongings while Gabe played on his big brother's Xbox. I picked up a small box. And opened it to find it filled with wristbands he had collected! I never knew about it. But Gabe did. He remembered seeing it before. Then I picked up a random wristband from the top of the pile. To then read the word, LIVE. It was very clear to us both that this is a message. I can't say for certain if it was my Josh speaking or an angel or God... but... I will not deny the supernatural. It was direct and on time for me. I felt like giving up. Not living. I wanted everything to end. How could I go on with my son? But here it was... like a command. LIVE. I now wear it everyday and when I need most to be reminded, I touch it and read it again. LIVE.
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