Wednesday December 14, 2022
Dear Josh,
I feel so sad today.
How do I celebrate without you here son?
(Deep sigh)
Your absence is especially felt and noticeable today.
You are missed more than words can express.
The hole inside, this emptiness... cannot be filled.
23 years of your life wasn't enough for me, for us... for the world. But... it is better than none.
You took your first breath on this day at exactly 6:40pm. Your eyes opened and saw a new world where now you existed in. I remember hearing your first cry when they took you out from my womb. And the very moment they placed you beside my face, you silenced. You stilled. You knew my essence even before ever meeting me. I will forever cherish our first moment together. And how I long for the next.
I sit here writing after an afternoon preparing our home to celebrate you son. Your closest friends are on their way and one of your favorite pizzas 🍕 to be delivered soon, Pizza Hut. I feel a burst of excitement as I wait! This is what you would have wanted on this day. I can imagine your eyes light up as your smile fills your face. It's your special day!
You will always be remembered. And I will intentionally set out each day to find ways I can honor you and share your life with the world.
Happy Birthday my son... I love you eternally <3
Saturday December 17, 2022
This morning Vince, Gabe and I met up with four of your closest friends (Diraj, Jaro, Anjan, Zeke) at Classic Cinemas in St Charles to watch the NEW Avatar movie in 3D! It was epic! You really would have liked it! A special treat just for you coming together and continuing on with your birthday tradition. Doing the very things you enjoyed most on your day.
And although it wasn't planned, a seat was saved just for you right beside me. How much I missed you. Prayed and hoped that somehow... someway...maybe... you could still be with us and make your presence known.
Now it is almost 11pm...I am at home sitting alone in the dining room with a glass of wine as I type this letter to you. I am using my silver Google Cromebook that I just happened to find after searching for sometime. I guess I am trying to get the feel for it again. It will be much easier to carry around with me for work and business, and maybe some extras we'll see what I can get myself caught into. Since you have been gone I have kept myself quite...occupied. But I will save that letter for another day.
After the movie, we sat and stayed behind as the credits rolled and chat for a little while. The 3D glasses are very cool. We all got ourselves souvenirs. This time I made sure to get all of us in a group photo since I forgot to take pictures on Wednesday. Diraj was chosen to take our selfie shot as he happens to have the longest arms. You do know he is also the tallest. And I am officially the shortest out of the group. Even your little brother Gabe has outgrown me at least by an inch or two.
After a group hug, I made sure to get my hugs in...we went our separate ways and as Vince drove us home I began to feel sadness come over me. I had just enough time to prepare myself to visit your grave. This has been the longest time I have gone without visiting, three weeks and a few days. It is much colder now and the hours at the cemetery are shorter for visits. I miss spending time there. It has become a special place for me.
Before headed out that way, I stopped inside to grab birthday flowers for you, a pretty blue shade with a birthday bow. Gathering each bunch and removing the stickers on the stems as I cried. In my heart all I can think of is how this is me, us right now. You are not here with me and I am going to visit you and leave these at your grave. Who could understand this and know the ache I feel inside?
But I did it. I drove and cried and drove and cried all the way to the cemetery it seemed. For the past few days it has been snowing, the cemetery looked bare and so cold, as it was. Yet...still beautiful. When I parked...stepping out I had a sudden complete sense of peace fill me. I made it! I was here finally back at my favorite place to be. And even though I knew it would only be for a short time because of the cold and the clock...it would be enough.
What do I wish for you my son on your birthday? Well of course I would wish for you as I always have, for there to be many more years to celebrate. But...this cannot be. Not in this life. So I am wishing for the day we meet again and celebrate for eternity. And what a celebration that will be! Surrounded by countless numbers of people who love us, love you and who we love too. This here on earth is no match for what I do believe is awaiting me when I reach the other side to where you are my beautiful boy. How I long for that day.
Until then...
I will continue to love you as I always have and know I will eternally. I miss you more than I can ever tell you.
Happy Heavenly Birthday my son... may the angels in heaven give you a kiss from me and a great big hug!
P.S. Your favorite holiday starts tomorrow, Hanukkah. I made it through the first holiday of this season, Thanksgiving, and made it through your first birthday without you. I think I feel pretty good about celebrating the eight days of Hanukkah... can't wait to tell you all about it.
MAKING MEMORIES TO LAST A LIFETIME, CELEBRATING YOU JOSH!
#josh #forever23 #darkstorm125 #joshbaez #joshua #stcharlesil #avatar2022 #hanukkah #birthdays #celebrations #letters #dearjosh #heavenlybirthdays #classiccinemascharlestowne18