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    • Aug 3, 2021
    • 2 min read

BREATHE

5TH DAY...

Today is hard, My chest hurts, Heart is broken. I didn't want to get out of bed. Bury myself underneath the weight of the covers. I did so much yesterday but I feel it has taken a toll on me. Breathe.


Anxiety is rising within me. Heart racing. I feel overwhelmed by every emotion. Sirens blaze. Wake me from sleep. I am not ready for this day. But I open my eyes and see the sun is shining. I hear the birds singing. Cicadas clicking and chirping. I feel the cool summer breeze coming through my window.

Breathe.


What do I do?


If I stay here the pain will only get worst. My mind knows I still have life... purpose... but my heart wants to stop. God help me face today. Help me get up and fight again.

She did. So can I.

Breathe.


I remind myself of my husband, my children...they need me. I need them. Breathe.


I remind myself of her. She fought to live. So I will fight to live and honor her memory. Breathe.


For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Later Today...

I feel empty. I look around me and... memories flood my mind. I see pieces of her existence... but these too at least some, I must let go. And today...I did. It crushed me. But I knew it was one more step toward my healing. I felt a small part of her shared with another cat in need was worthy of her honor. My beautiful baby girl. I miss you more than words can ever express.


“…love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” – Kabil Gibran

Today I also got the courage to take her last used blanket and hold it in my arms. This was where she lay to sleep many days and many nights for countless weeks. I broke down. The heaviness creeped its way out of me. How can I ever think of washing it? My daughter questions me. I can't do it. Her scent... pieces of her fur... even her warmth remain. This I will treasure and keep close. There is no more to let go of. We are walking in step and together making decisions in what we can do as a family to memorialize her and comfort one another. I am grateful for this shared experience with my husband and children. She will forever be in our hearts. Deeply loved.


Junebug in her bed and last blanket. Summer 2021

Today, resting on my bed without her in it.


I want to hear your heart beat, but it no longer beats.

I want to feel you breathing, but there is no more breath.

You're gone.

And I am left here with this emptiness and pain.

All I want is for your heart to beat again. And for you to breathe again.

The pain is so deep, it hurts so much.

I miss you babygirl, my princess, my Junebug.

I love you. I love you.



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